Articles
The Unstruck Voice
by Stephanie Heidemann,
Vocalist, Teacher/Sound Healer
IEATA Member
Sept.1, 2009
My firsthand experience of Authentic Voicework came first with an experience of my own unspoken voice, where sound is heard in the mind before it is actually struck or spoken aloud. In Indian traditions, this experience is called Anahata (Sanskrit), otherwise known as “the unstruck sound”.
Many years ago, I was sitting with two drummer friends, drumming in a beautiful Nature Sanctuary in Indiana. We found a private little nook in the woods where we sat on a large limestone rock, overlooking a sea of Spring tree & foliage. The breeze swept through the trees, and caused the new sprouts reaching up to our feet to sway into a dance. It was truly magical and sweet. Entrancing by the steady pulse of the drumming, I was pulled into a trance where I heard a distant voice singing. I looked around for the origin of this sound, but only found the comfort of the trees and swaying greenery. It suddenly occurred to me that it was the most beautiful voice I had ever heard.
Just one note lingered, immaculate in its steady unfurling. It did not curl around in ornate embellishment, or shift intervals or pitch. It grew stronger and louder the more I listened to it. The louder it became, I felt deeply inside that there was a message being revealed to me, that this voice was actually, mine! It was the un-struck sound inside of me that I was to learn to sound aloud. This was something that could not be unlearned or ignored. At that moment, a tiny snake rolled right by my side and stopped. We stared at each other for what felt like a long depth of time, but was probably only a few seconds. Was this some kind of sign confirming the experience in its significance? It certainly was.
And on came The Doubt Song playing on the drums… “Dum Dum-dum-dum Duuum-Doubts!” in a funky groove. It was literally being sung through the drums. The way I interpreted it, it felt like a song mocking my naive sense of accomplishment and confidence at a mere 20-yrs of age. Thoughts welled up in me one after another. “How on earth could it be for me to inherit this gift?”, “I can’t do that”, “Do you know what that would take for me to develop that?!” The negations shifted one after another, telling me that I had the voice of a mouse and that I would sound stupid if I even tried opening it. Even more horrifying, was that people would listen and stare. That thought terrified me enough to make my creative well freeze over, dry up and stiffen like a Michigan lake in February!
Still enthralled by the steady, crystalline projection of sound, the voice enveloped me. I struggled with the doubts gnawing at my insides, taunting me and preventing me from participating as a sound-maker. My lips curled and jaw tightened, fighting the urge to even allow my mouth to open to allow a whisper. The chattering voice of fear kept me in silence, and blocked. But, the knowing of the need to free up this urge and discover absolute freedom from the inside out was more powerful than fear. It would soon become a choiceless obligation to free this voice being held inside of me. It became clear that my path as a singer was an obligation leading me to freedom and authenticity.
The notion of this obligation was exciting, but utterly intimidating. I knew it would be scary, but that I had to do it. In order to receive this gift at its full potential, there would have to be some digging and removing of obstacles that didn’t serve me anymore. Imagining that this voice was inside me would eventually turn me into a sculptor with a human-sized block of clay to chisel at. I was the sculptor as well as the clay, but not the visionary muse who came up with the plan! It was my task to allow the muse to reveal herself and her plan for me.
The unstruck sound would soon reveal itself to me again. It was my job to learn to listen and follow instructions without hesitating. The note or phrase I would internally hear was a sound I was meant to sing, without judgment. Any hesitation was none but doubt and double-guessing. There certainly were a lot of excuses to sift through, for the authentic sound to be brought into the light. These unstruck “sound suggestions” would lead me away from the comfortable and safe territory I was familiar with, into unknown territory. But how could I trust it when it was so uncomfortable going there? There was no longer any sense of “the right way” or “wrong way” that I could trust or stand by, but rather, a new way I didn’t know anything about, and that was uncomfortable at first. The freedom to create was going at the expense of self-judgment, and the feeling of safety.
Being on the edge of unknown territory was a scary and uncertain place that would develop a great trust. However, the inner sound guided me at every step. In these experiences, I had to learn to not give so much credit to the fears that would creep up. Just focusing on following the unstruck sound was the main task. My part was just to listen, and repeat what I heard inside. It would eventually become an objective relationship I would have with sound that required great trust. I would learn to not judge what I heard at all, but instead trust where it would take me. In that sense, as creators, we must follow the route into our authenticity blindfolded to see and hear what beauty our spirit holds. In order to see our true selves, we must unsee whom we think we are.
The process of building this freedom within requires a major demolition of old ways, and a new construction of total self-trust and acceptance. This process involves unraveling the lies we tell ourselves and unveiling the truth; removing the debris of doubt and misconceptions we believe of ourselves that clutter and obstruct the path. Such blocks run rampant in mass society’s conditioning, that we normally don’t question them- and are worth finally clearing. Once the trust develops, this new rapport delivers a clarity of mind, inner peace and satisfaction that no intellectual process can replicate.
The psychological pressure around creative blocks builds tremendous resistance before it leads to a final breakthrough. Resistance begets the urge to expand. It may even require going through a Dark Night of the Soul of sorts, or a birthing for the process to emerge into the light. Of course, this process of removing your own obstacles is not always easy. We must build an awareness of our self-constricting thoughts and patterns first before we can release them. Often times, our dreams will tell us that we are holding back our expressions. Through symbols of constriction, censoring, stuckness (even constipation!), imprisonment or an inability to express ourselves, that is our psyche’s way of giving us signs that we are holding something back or blocked that needs to be released.
Ultimately, the voice is a very complex instrument full of intricate color and emotion. The voice reflects what is inside of us. The more free we are to breathe in who we are, with trust, acceptance and love, we can live a more authentic life in the full range of motion of who we really are.
Stephanie Heidemann is a World Fusion Vocalist, Teacher and Healer. She holds a B.A. in Expressive Arts Therapy from Indiana University (IMP), is an experienced Massage Therapist of 8 years, and member of IEATA. Heidemann has performed all over the country with various singing troupes and ensembles. Now residing in Sarasota, FL, she conducts her workshop series: Authentic Voicework and performs a Concert & Workshop Series entitled “Sound & Silence”. Heidemann will be holding a singing retreat of “Music of the Divine Feminine” in 2010. To bring a Workshop to your area, Reservations, order CDs and Booking, click on the “Contact” link! 